Mighty Kangaroos

You know what’s problematic when you’re flying on a mount? The wind is constantly tugging at your belongings like a ferocious two-year old on a sugar-high who happens to be made of wind.

This is the root of the appeal for flying on mighty kangaroos, they have a place to put things.

 

The magic capes that grant them flight also serve as large pouches in which to carry your belongings, such as family heirloom timepieces, safe from the wind’s metaphoric candy-and-slobber-coated grubby grabbers.

“But, what about keeping things in the pouch in front?” You might ask? Well, sirs and madams, that pouch is NOT for your half-wrapped taffies, discarded lollies and crumpled light reading.

That pouch is for BABIES.

And also, that is where you ride the mighty kangaroo, by the mighty kangaroo’s good graces only. Given the high honor of being borne aloft by one of these magical mommies, it would be unconscionably rude to do anything that might tarnish her majestic pocket pelt.

Respect kangaroo customs and place your shoes and any other hard, dirty, and/or precious belongings in the capesack as you step into the pouch. Remove any riding gear with protruding snaps or buttons and do your best to stand away from the mighty mommy’s tender teats. Also remember, before entering the pouch one should always say “please,” and upon disembarking one should say “thank you, mommy” before reclaiming one’s belongings. By displaying these simple courtesies you will secure both your belongings and your reputation among the MILFO community.

Space Panda

At first I worried about what I could say about Space Pandas that has not been said before. They are one of the most written about types of pandas in the Universe, and yet (or perhaps because of this) there are still many misconceptions.

For instance, space pandas are often depicted with antennae on their space bowls, however real space pandas don't need antennae and anyway they look dumb. Also, the bowl is not for breathing, per se, but it does retain some air which allows the space panda to sing to itself, which many of them enjoy.

If you are hoping to ride a space panda, you should first practice by riding a regular panda and imagining you are in space. If this goes well, then the next step is typically to go to space. While space pandas sometimes visit Earth, they find the climate generally muggy. They already sweat profusely in space, which they use as a sort of propulsion system, and so, on Earth they often appear to be miserable and much thinner because their fur gets so soggy. It is therefur advisable to pad your harness with a very large towel if you plan on entering atmospheres with more than 10% water vapor.

Finally, remember to treat your space panda with respect. They are not bears. They are overgrown space raccoons. There is a difference.

Mustache I'd Like to Fly On

Some important things have become very apparent to me today. First, you do not realize how hard it is to photoshop with mustaches. A mustache is not just one item with an outline. A mustache is hundreds of individual whiskers, and, just like democracy and children, every one must be respected. Second, I am blessed with many extraordinary friends, and many of them have been extremely generous this past month as I have been fundraising for classroom projects via Mustaches 4 Kids and Donors Choose. Today's MILFO post is a big, stache-felt "Thank you!" to my many lovely and loving donors. I am tickled and humbled by the explosive responses, especially of the last few days.

We are not quite done yet, though. There are still important classroom projects to be funded, and as much as I wish that I could fly over the city in a magical triumvirate of some of history's greatest mustaches as I hunt down flying sacks of money to make sure every school has the funding they need, this simply is not possible outside of the fantasy world of this blog. Just as sad is the fact that schools can't spend this fantasy money in our real world, no matter how many bags I email them. You, however, can use the internet to help some very special classroom projects get the funding they need. Simply follow the link below and choose a project you deem worthy of your generosity. Thank you.

http://www.donorschoose.org/donors/viewChallenge.html?id=105187

Simon Peggataur

Oh, Simon, you are so dreamy! Sometimes, it's not enough for me to simply idolize your adorable smile and disarming candor from afar. Sometimes I think, as funny and charming and brilliant as you are, that you might be even more dreamy if you had a pegasus for an "arse," as you would say. Simon, don't take this the wrong way, but I would pegusarse you all day. I have found many pictures of you on the internet, and many pictures of horses and of things with wings. This leads me to my next point. Simon, I would like to ride you after you have been pegusarsed. I think it is only fair, after I have given you such an amazing gift, for you to return the favor and carry me through the starry wonderland that is the dreamsky I see every time I imagine the place where I will ride you. Some day, my Simon, our dreams will be as one!

Flying Buffalo

Flying over the Appalachian Trail on Appa's back would be just like hiking the Appalachian Trail except less strenuous and with more yelling: "WaaHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOwoowoowooWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" and doing barrel rolls and stuff. Make sure you buckle the top of your picnic basket and zip all your pockets closed before doing barrel rolls and stuff. If your jerky falls out when you're a couple hundred feet above the trees, chances are you are not going to find it by the time you land. Flying Buffalo lose a lot of respect for riders that can't handle their jerky, and if a flying buffalo doesn't respect you, he won't let you milk him anymore, and then it's no more mozarella di volo bufala for you, just soggy GORP, wet with your own tears.

Medley

So I was all in this spooky temple and there's this crazy man with a hat asking me: "What time is it? For the love of buckets, my timeshoes!" and I was trying not to look him in the eyes, which was easier than it could have been if we were just like on the subway or whatever since there was this crazy-lookin' animal over his shoulder and I kept staring at it trying to figure out what was goin' on there. Turns out, it was a drawing someone did this one time, but now it was walking around this temple and so I was like, can you get me away from this guy with the hat, and the thing couldn't talk, but I climbed on it's back and we went and got french fries at this Belgian place with this really good mayo dip. I never saw that guy again, but I sure do hope he found his timeshoes.

Giant Flying Turtle

Turtles win! We are not surprised, but actually, this was a trick question. You see, turtles already fly, fact. This is one of those facts that is so big, we rarely notice that it is facting right under our noses. This fact is so big that we all ride on the back of this giant, coyly smiling fact as it flies through the cosmos. Sure, the pixie life has it's appeal, and darting into an open chimney on the back of a sparrow, clinging to the soot within, trying to choke back smoke-induced coughs and sneezes as the shadow of the gypsy's owl glides across your tremorous brow has an undeniable charm, but we're talking uberMILFO here. This is the mount upon which all other mounts are more or less also mounted on by virtue of the fact that all the air they are flying in is held via gravitational magic to the gigantic rock which in turn rests on the back of this thankless world-bearer. We should thank him, though. Without his lazy circles through the cosmos, we wouldn't have seasons. Fact.