Flying Buffalo

Flying over the Appalachian Trail on Appa's back would be just like hiking the Appalachian Trail except less strenuous and with more yelling: "WaaHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOwoowoowooWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" and doing barrel rolls and stuff. Make sure you buckle the top of your picnic basket and zip all your pockets closed before doing barrel rolls and stuff. If your jerky falls out when you're a couple hundred feet above the trees, chances are you are not going to find it by the time you land. Flying Buffalo lose a lot of respect for riders that can't handle their jerky, and if a flying buffalo doesn't respect you, he won't let you milk him anymore, and then it's no more mozarella di volo bufala for you, just soggy GORP, wet with your own tears.

Medley

So I was all in this spooky temple and there's this crazy man with a hat asking me: "What time is it? For the love of buckets, my timeshoes!" and I was trying not to look him in the eyes, which was easier than it could have been if we were just like on the subway or whatever since there was this crazy-lookin' animal over his shoulder and I kept staring at it trying to figure out what was goin' on there. Turns out, it was a drawing someone did this one time, but now it was walking around this temple and so I was like, can you get me away from this guy with the hat, and the thing couldn't talk, but I climbed on it's back and we went and got french fries at this Belgian place with this really good mayo dip. I never saw that guy again, but I sure do hope he found his timeshoes.

Giant Flying Turtle

Turtles win! We are not surprised, but actually, this was a trick question. You see, turtles already fly, fact. This is one of those facts that is so big, we rarely notice that it is facting right under our noses. This fact is so big that we all ride on the back of this giant, coyly smiling fact as it flies through the cosmos. Sure, the pixie life has it's appeal, and darting into an open chimney on the back of a sparrow, clinging to the soot within, trying to choke back smoke-induced coughs and sneezes as the shadow of the gypsy's owl glides across your tremorous brow has an undeniable charm, but we're talking uberMILFO here. This is the mount upon which all other mounts are more or less also mounted on by virtue of the fact that all the air they are flying in is held via gravitational magic to the gigantic rock which in turn rests on the back of this thankless world-bearer. We should thank him, though. Without his lazy circles through the cosmos, we wouldn't have seasons. Fact.

Flying Turtle

By popular demand, MILFO is proud to present the flying turtle. The humble turtle won our first survey as the flightless animal to which you, our discerning readers, most wanted to grant the power of flight. So often we here at MILFO assume that if something isn't typically big enough to serve as a mount for a human-sized rider, that we ought to photoshop this animal to be big enough. Well, in honor of the humble turtle, today we wonder: "What if we were just really small." In addition to being able to hunt beetles from the back of our chelonian mount, being only a few inches tall has other advantages. Just imagine the things you could climb inside of: old shoes, banana peels, a stromboli. Just watch out for birds. Birds are dicks.

Supa Hanii Bajia

Supa Hanii Bajia GO TIME!!! This is the most ferocious form of Hanii Bajia. Eye lasers shoot surrealist donkey dead forever. Awesome job, Bajia! Oh! Metcha cute rider, but she does not need that sword. Hanii Bajia has many guns instead. Look out if you are not riding Supa Hanii Bajia. Without fear, without remorse. Even in the air you will be trampled by his terrible rocket feet. GO HANII BAJIA GO FOR LOVE!!!

Honey Badger

They say honey is sweeter than blood, and vice versa. Well, with a flying honey badger, you will soon be bathing in plenty of both. Honey badgers are, in a word, fearless. This is the furry frenetic fury you want to be clutching between your thighs when you have to face 7-stories of coiled flame serpent. Egg-nomming dinos with long sticky tongues might be fine for some light Saturday afternoon platforming, but honey badgers are your bottom mount when the boss fight theme kicks in. Lead with the teeth and hold on tight. The honey badger does not fear for your safety either.

Shrike

If you're ever in need of flitting over hordes of undead and impaling the unholy bastards on convenient steeples and fence posts, an appropriately sized shrike is your mount of choice. Shrikes are natural born impalers, habitually leaving prey impaled on thorns or other spikes to facilitate the rending of the fleshy delicious bits from the chitinous less delicious bits. These instincts make them a natural choice for vampire hunters up against flying blood-suckers or just looking for an unfair advantage, but when we're talking about blood-drinking merciless evil, who cares about fair?

DOGGIES!

OMG2CUTE! Giant babies riding giant flying doggies. I bet that farmer just doesn't know what to think. He is probably calculating precipitation forecasts. He is likely to assume that the poodle with clouds for feet will make lots of rain to help his yellow flowers grow. Tie-fighter great danes and panda poodles? Well, you never can tell with those kinds. Might go either way.

Pegasus

So you like horses because Daniel Radcliffe likes horses and you think you can just put wings on a horse and fly off into the sunset? Well, THAT IS NOT HOW THIS WORKS, PEOPLE! You can't just go around photoshopping wings onto whatever catches your eye and expect people to take you seriously. We are including your pretty flying horseys for sake of completion, but don't expect us to be posting flying horses every week. We have serious mount analysis to get to.

Veteran Eagle

This blog has been accused of being un-American. Well, that simply is not true. MILFO is the most American blog of its kind. MILFO is about working hard to achieve your dreams, dreams of one day riding on the back of a flying animal, and we proudly thank those men and women who have served in the armed forces to protect our rights and dreams. This MILFO is in honor of my grandfather, Grampy, who was a sailor in the US Navy. He and the other veterans who hung out in their basement office at the local air field really loved emailing pictures of boobies to each other. That is why John Wayne is riding an eagle in front of boobies painted to look like the American flag. You too can show your support for our veterans by emailing them these boobies, because there are probably very few U.S. veterans who do not like John Wayne, eagles, and/or boobies.

Dream Gator

What's that faint rustling of wings at cribside? It's the Dream Gator, nappy time protector of burgeoning oneironauts! You will never have a smoother trip to dreamland than you will on a Dream Gator. Sleep soundly knowing your reptilian hero lurks in wait to omnomnom any oncoming nightmares. You're never to old to ride a Dream Gator. He will cradle you in his loving tail and flit you away to all the dreams you've ever wanted to finish. You'll both be wearing the same smile till morning.

Nyctosaurus

Nothing makes Star Wars cosplay in Tikal feel more like actually being on Yavin IV than swooping from the skies to chase tourists out of your Jedi ruins on your very own Nyctosaurus. George Lucas wishes he'd come up with these imposing sky terrors, but his imaginary fauna always have superfluous extra eyes or freakishly large hands that would actually be a severe disadvantage to real animals. Your nyctosaurus would have all the dramatic profile of an Imperial shuttle but could glide down behind unsuspecting photogs quiet as a whisperbird. Next time you're Star Wars cosplay larping in Guatemala, walk around San Benito in full regalia inquiring about nyctosaurus rentals. It will be fun.

Flying Camel

If it is a pleasant afternoon you are after, flying camels simply cannot be beat. Unlike regular camels, they can fly. Also, unlike regular camels, they are known for their sunny disposition and for being able to fly. This is not the MILFO for the trendy sportsmount type. This MILFO is fit only for discerning leisuremount aficionados, such as yourself. Prepare the picnic basket and check the straps on your sun hat. You and your camel are going to very slowly go very interesting places with very little drama and a lot of pleasant conversation along the way, just you and your camel. Wear your fanciest flannel.

Good Luck Marathon Dragon

Happy Marathon Sunday!

This MILFO is for our fans running in the marathon today on lucky 11/7. Boy, I bet you wish you were riding a luck dragon right about now. Jesus doesn't have to wish, though. He can just fly right up to you around the 20-mile-mark and effortlessly give you a super lucky high five. Boy, thanks, Jesus! Now I bet you are so full of triumph you can barely feel the swollen chain of dysfunction that is all your moving parts. Hopefully someone is jogging next to you with an iPad so you can enjoy this post while you run. After the race, you will be too knackered to read, and when you wake up, you will only want to forget, but right now, you have Jesus, Falcor, and some lunatic with an iPad to help you through this masochistic tour de force.

We are all so proud of you!

Eggnog Latte

Ihadaneggnoglattejustnowandgoodnessamiflying. I try to avoid caffeine, but I just can't pass up an eggnog latte. I wish I could fly over a sea of eggnog latte on an inflatable pool raft in a giant mug of eggnog latte with a more reasonably sized eggnog latte in the cup holder. I wished this so hard that I spent an hour of my life making a picture of this dream so that you could share in the majesty. We won't both fit on the raft, but we can take turns hanging from the giant mug's handle by our knees as we skim the surface of Lake Eggnog and bask in the vapors as our fingertips leave trails in the nutmeg-dusted peaks of foam. Can you smell the seasonal awesome?If your imagination isn't up to the task, you can bring 6 or 7 gallons of eggnog to my apartment and I will start filling the bathtub with coffee.

Super Girl!

Look, I know what you're thinking, but before you judge me, think it through. I don't think Supergirl would carry me. It makes a lot more sense for me to ride piggy back, in case she needs to punch through a swarm of attack robots or catch things that fall out of my pockets or something. There was a cover of her and a bunch of seagulls a while back and that made me think of Jonathan Livingston Seagull and that made me realize that if I dream it, it can come true, at least in my dreams. So I often while away the afternoons in my AT-AT loft bed dreaming about Supergirl alighting outside my window and asking me to go get milkshakes and stuff. Best piggy-back ride ever. I'd even pay for her milkshake.

Sugar MILFO

My sweet, sweet sugar MILFO, this must be love, the real kind, the kind you can spend. We'd glide over to the Champs Elysées, get all that designer bling my last mount said added too much encumbrance. We knew they were just making excuses. They just didn't have what it takes, but sugar MILFO, you don't give a damn about encumbrance. Other MILFO's say you don't even fly, but they just hatin'. Yeah, we glide, right past the line and on into first class. What's that? You want to ride on my head this time? Well, you paid for this A|X fedora in cash, so if you wanna sit on it, go for it. Heck, you can even have yourself a little satin cushion installed by an albino Moroccan haberdasher. I always wanted to go to Morocco on someone else's tab.

Flying Hippo

From the reader who suggested I use today's source photo: "If only to observe its wings work hard enough to provide the required lift. Cursory research has informed me that while hippos can weigh up to 8,000 lbs., they have a maximum top speed of 18 mph. Pretty impressive, no? Also, as I'm sure you already knew, the Hippo is one of the most dangerous (to humans) animals in an ecosystem crowded with alpha-predators. Further research tells me that hippos routinely spray [poopies](ed.) on each other when fighting for mates. I would be proud to ride this burly, winged, [poopies]-spraying bastard into battle."

Well, I hope our reader is tickled by this fantastic likeness of him atop his majestic mount, but for the sake of his mates, we hope he can keep the [poopies] in.

Flying Bunny Rabbit

It's hard to get kids excited to go back to school after Halloween. After all the candy and costumes, books and rulers just don't have the same sparkle. That is why you should send your kids to school on a flying bunny rabbit. This will make your kids like school, and that is smart. Also, kids, remember always to wear your helmet when riding a flying bunny rabbit or you may end up haunting the rabbit forever as some weird anachronistic ghost kid.

Today's milfo was based on an email submission from a reader. Submit your milfo ideas to MILFOSUB@gmail.com