Mighty Kangaroos

You know what’s problematic when you’re flying on a mount? The wind is constantly tugging at your belongings like a ferocious two-year old on a sugar-high who happens to be made of wind.

This is the root of the appeal for flying on mighty kangaroos, they have a place to put things.

 

The magic capes that grant them flight also serve as large pouches in which to carry your belongings, such as family heirloom timepieces, safe from the wind’s metaphoric candy-and-slobber-coated grubby grabbers.

“But, what about keeping things in the pouch in front?” You might ask? Well, sirs and madams, that pouch is NOT for your half-wrapped taffies, discarded lollies and crumpled light reading.

That pouch is for BABIES.

And also, that is where you ride the mighty kangaroo, by the mighty kangaroo’s good graces only. Given the high honor of being borne aloft by one of these magical mommies, it would be unconscionably rude to do anything that might tarnish her majestic pocket pelt.

Respect kangaroo customs and place your shoes and any other hard, dirty, and/or precious belongings in the capesack as you step into the pouch. Remove any riding gear with protruding snaps or buttons and do your best to stand away from the mighty mommy’s tender teats. Also remember, before entering the pouch one should always say “please,” and upon disembarking one should say “thank you, mommy” before reclaiming one’s belongings. By displaying these simple courtesies you will secure both your belongings and your reputation among the MILFO community.

Space Panda

At first I worried about what I could say about Space Pandas that has not been said before. They are one of the most written about types of pandas in the Universe, and yet (or perhaps because of this) there are still many misconceptions.

For instance, space pandas are often depicted with antennae on their space bowls, however real space pandas don't need antennae and anyway they look dumb. Also, the bowl is not for breathing, per se, but it does retain some air which allows the space panda to sing to itself, which many of them enjoy.

If you are hoping to ride a space panda, you should first practice by riding a regular panda and imagining you are in space. If this goes well, then the next step is typically to go to space. While space pandas sometimes visit Earth, they find the climate generally muggy. They already sweat profusely in space, which they use as a sort of propulsion system, and so, on Earth they often appear to be miserable and much thinner because their fur gets so soggy. It is therefur advisable to pad your harness with a very large towel if you plan on entering atmospheres with more than 10% water vapor.

Finally, remember to treat your space panda with respect. They are not bears. They are overgrown space raccoons. There is a difference.

Mustache I'd Like to Fly On

Some important things have become very apparent to me today. First, you do not realize how hard it is to photoshop with mustaches. A mustache is not just one item with an outline. A mustache is hundreds of individual whiskers, and, just like democracy and children, every one must be respected. Second, I am blessed with many extraordinary friends, and many of them have been extremely generous this past month as I have been fundraising for classroom projects via Mustaches 4 Kids and Donors Choose. Today's MILFO post is a big, stache-felt "Thank you!" to my many lovely and loving donors. I am tickled and humbled by the explosive responses, especially of the last few days.

We are not quite done yet, though. There are still important classroom projects to be funded, and as much as I wish that I could fly over the city in a magical triumvirate of some of history's greatest mustaches as I hunt down flying sacks of money to make sure every school has the funding they need, this simply is not possible outside of the fantasy world of this blog. Just as sad is the fact that schools can't spend this fantasy money in our real world, no matter how many bags I email them. You, however, can use the internet to help some very special classroom projects get the funding they need. Simply follow the link below and choose a project you deem worthy of your generosity. Thank you.

http://www.donorschoose.org/donors/viewChallenge.html?id=105187

Simon Peggataur

Oh, Simon, you are so dreamy! Sometimes, it's not enough for me to simply idolize your adorable smile and disarming candor from afar. Sometimes I think, as funny and charming and brilliant as you are, that you might be even more dreamy if you had a pegasus for an "arse," as you would say. Simon, don't take this the wrong way, but I would pegusarse you all day. I have found many pictures of you on the internet, and many pictures of horses and of things with wings. This leads me to my next point. Simon, I would like to ride you after you have been pegusarsed. I think it is only fair, after I have given you such an amazing gift, for you to return the favor and carry me through the starry wonderland that is the dreamsky I see every time I imagine the place where I will ride you. Some day, my Simon, our dreams will be as one!

Flying Buffalo

Flying over the Appalachian Trail on Appa's back would be just like hiking the Appalachian Trail except less strenuous and with more yelling: "WaaHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOwoowoowooWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" and doing barrel rolls and stuff. Make sure you buckle the top of your picnic basket and zip all your pockets closed before doing barrel rolls and stuff. If your jerky falls out when you're a couple hundred feet above the trees, chances are you are not going to find it by the time you land. Flying Buffalo lose a lot of respect for riders that can't handle their jerky, and if a flying buffalo doesn't respect you, he won't let you milk him anymore, and then it's no more mozarella di volo bufala for you, just soggy GORP, wet with your own tears.

Medley

So I was all in this spooky temple and there's this crazy man with a hat asking me: "What time is it? For the love of buckets, my timeshoes!" and I was trying not to look him in the eyes, which was easier than it could have been if we were just like on the subway or whatever since there was this crazy-lookin' animal over his shoulder and I kept staring at it trying to figure out what was goin' on there. Turns out, it was a drawing someone did this one time, but now it was walking around this temple and so I was like, can you get me away from this guy with the hat, and the thing couldn't talk, but I climbed on it's back and we went and got french fries at this Belgian place with this really good mayo dip. I never saw that guy again, but I sure do hope he found his timeshoes.

Giant Flying Turtle

Turtles win! We are not surprised, but actually, this was a trick question. You see, turtles already fly, fact. This is one of those facts that is so big, we rarely notice that it is facting right under our noses. This fact is so big that we all ride on the back of this giant, coyly smiling fact as it flies through the cosmos. Sure, the pixie life has it's appeal, and darting into an open chimney on the back of a sparrow, clinging to the soot within, trying to choke back smoke-induced coughs and sneezes as the shadow of the gypsy's owl glides across your tremorous brow has an undeniable charm, but we're talking uberMILFO here. This is the mount upon which all other mounts are more or less also mounted on by virtue of the fact that all the air they are flying in is held via gravitational magic to the gigantic rock which in turn rests on the back of this thankless world-bearer. We should thank him, though. Without his lazy circles through the cosmos, we wouldn't have seasons. Fact.

Flying Turtle

By popular demand, MILFO is proud to present the flying turtle. The humble turtle won our first survey as the flightless animal to which you, our discerning readers, most wanted to grant the power of flight. So often we here at MILFO assume that if something isn't typically big enough to serve as a mount for a human-sized rider, that we ought to photoshop this animal to be big enough. Well, in honor of the humble turtle, today we wonder: "What if we were just really small." In addition to being able to hunt beetles from the back of our chelonian mount, being only a few inches tall has other advantages. Just imagine the things you could climb inside of: old shoes, banana peels, a stromboli. Just watch out for birds. Birds are dicks.

Supa Hanii Bajia

Supa Hanii Bajia GO TIME!!! This is the most ferocious form of Hanii Bajia. Eye lasers shoot surrealist donkey dead forever. Awesome job, Bajia! Oh! Metcha cute rider, but she does not need that sword. Hanii Bajia has many guns instead. Look out if you are not riding Supa Hanii Bajia. Without fear, without remorse. Even in the air you will be trampled by his terrible rocket feet. GO HANII BAJIA GO FOR LOVE!!!

Honey Badger

They say honey is sweeter than blood, and vice versa. Well, with a flying honey badger, you will soon be bathing in plenty of both. Honey badgers are, in a word, fearless. This is the furry frenetic fury you want to be clutching between your thighs when you have to face 7-stories of coiled flame serpent. Egg-nomming dinos with long sticky tongues might be fine for some light Saturday afternoon platforming, but honey badgers are your bottom mount when the boss fight theme kicks in. Lead with the teeth and hold on tight. The honey badger does not fear for your safety either.

Shrike

If you're ever in need of flitting over hordes of undead and impaling the unholy bastards on convenient steeples and fence posts, an appropriately sized shrike is your mount of choice. Shrikes are natural born impalers, habitually leaving prey impaled on thorns or other spikes to facilitate the rending of the fleshy delicious bits from the chitinous less delicious bits. These instincts make them a natural choice for vampire hunters up against flying blood-suckers or just looking for an unfair advantage, but when we're talking about blood-drinking merciless evil, who cares about fair?

DOGGIES!

OMG2CUTE! Giant babies riding giant flying doggies. I bet that farmer just doesn't know what to think. He is probably calculating precipitation forecasts. He is likely to assume that the poodle with clouds for feet will make lots of rain to help his yellow flowers grow. Tie-fighter great danes and panda poodles? Well, you never can tell with those kinds. Might go either way.

Pegasus

So you like horses because Daniel Radcliffe likes horses and you think you can just put wings on a horse and fly off into the sunset? Well, THAT IS NOT HOW THIS WORKS, PEOPLE! You can't just go around photoshopping wings onto whatever catches your eye and expect people to take you seriously. We are including your pretty flying horseys for sake of completion, but don't expect us to be posting flying horses every week. We have serious mount analysis to get to.

Veteran Eagle

This blog has been accused of being un-American. Well, that simply is not true. MILFO is the most American blog of its kind. MILFO is about working hard to achieve your dreams, dreams of one day riding on the back of a flying animal, and we proudly thank those men and women who have served in the armed forces to protect our rights and dreams. This MILFO is in honor of my grandfather, Grampy, who was a sailor in the US Navy. He and the other veterans who hung out in their basement office at the local air field really loved emailing pictures of boobies to each other. That is why John Wayne is riding an eagle in front of boobies painted to look like the American flag. You too can show your support for our veterans by emailing them these boobies, because there are probably very few U.S. veterans who do not like John Wayne, eagles, and/or boobies.

Dream Gator

What's that faint rustling of wings at cribside? It's the Dream Gator, nappy time protector of burgeoning oneironauts! You will never have a smoother trip to dreamland than you will on a Dream Gator. Sleep soundly knowing your reptilian hero lurks in wait to omnomnom any oncoming nightmares. You're never to old to ride a Dream Gator. He will cradle you in his loving tail and flit you away to all the dreams you've ever wanted to finish. You'll both be wearing the same smile till morning.

Nyctosaurus

Nothing makes Star Wars cosplay in Tikal feel more like actually being on Yavin IV than swooping from the skies to chase tourists out of your Jedi ruins on your very own Nyctosaurus. George Lucas wishes he'd come up with these imposing sky terrors, but his imaginary fauna always have superfluous extra eyes or freakishly large hands that would actually be a severe disadvantage to real animals. Your nyctosaurus would have all the dramatic profile of an Imperial shuttle but could glide down behind unsuspecting photogs quiet as a whisperbird. Next time you're Star Wars cosplay larping in Guatemala, walk around San Benito in full regalia inquiring about nyctosaurus rentals. It will be fun.

Flying Camel

If it is a pleasant afternoon you are after, flying camels simply cannot be beat. Unlike regular camels, they can fly. Also, unlike regular camels, they are known for their sunny disposition and for being able to fly. This is not the MILFO for the trendy sportsmount type. This MILFO is fit only for discerning leisuremount aficionados, such as yourself. Prepare the picnic basket and check the straps on your sun hat. You and your camel are going to very slowly go very interesting places with very little drama and a lot of pleasant conversation along the way, just you and your camel. Wear your fanciest flannel.

Good Luck Marathon Dragon

Happy Marathon Sunday!

This MILFO is for our fans running in the marathon today on lucky 11/7. Boy, I bet you wish you were riding a luck dragon right about now. Jesus doesn't have to wish, though. He can just fly right up to you around the 20-mile-mark and effortlessly give you a super lucky high five. Boy, thanks, Jesus! Now I bet you are so full of triumph you can barely feel the swollen chain of dysfunction that is all your moving parts. Hopefully someone is jogging next to you with an iPad so you can enjoy this post while you run. After the race, you will be too knackered to read, and when you wake up, you will only want to forget, but right now, you have Jesus, Falcor, and some lunatic with an iPad to help you through this masochistic tour de force.

We are all so proud of you!

Eggnog Latte

Ihadaneggnoglattejustnowandgoodnessamiflying. I try to avoid caffeine, but I just can't pass up an eggnog latte. I wish I could fly over a sea of eggnog latte on an inflatable pool raft in a giant mug of eggnog latte with a more reasonably sized eggnog latte in the cup holder. I wished this so hard that I spent an hour of my life making a picture of this dream so that you could share in the majesty. We won't both fit on the raft, but we can take turns hanging from the giant mug's handle by our knees as we skim the surface of Lake Eggnog and bask in the vapors as our fingertips leave trails in the nutmeg-dusted peaks of foam. Can you smell the seasonal awesome?If your imagination isn't up to the task, you can bring 6 or 7 gallons of eggnog to my apartment and I will start filling the bathtub with coffee.

Super Girl!

Look, I know what you're thinking, but before you judge me, think it through. I don't think Supergirl would carry me. It makes a lot more sense for me to ride piggy back, in case she needs to punch through a swarm of attack robots or catch things that fall out of my pockets or something. There was a cover of her and a bunch of seagulls a while back and that made me think of Jonathan Livingston Seagull and that made me realize that if I dream it, it can come true, at least in my dreams. So I often while away the afternoons in my AT-AT loft bed dreaming about Supergirl alighting outside my window and asking me to go get milkshakes and stuff. Best piggy-back ride ever. I'd even pay for her milkshake.